GUEST POST: By Marissa Turner, Mom & Host of Louisiana’s “The Outdoor Kitchen Show”
Hi, my name is Marissa and I’m a mom and a wife. Notice that “wife” came second — somehow, for most of us, it always does. So, along with all the wonderful submissions about being a mother on this site, let me add this rather base one about how to turn off the “Mom Switch.”
As we all know, the “Mom Switch” doesn’t exist. “Mom Mode” is more of a default setting that must be disabled by the user (our husbands) who really don’t know how to deal with our motherboards, and are usually just guessing.(Hey, that came out pretty well, considering how late it is and how much cheap bubbly I’ve had tonight, but this is the only quiet time I have to put these words into an uploadable format, so if you don’t want to read about sex and such, you should probably go to a more inspiring article.)
Every now and then, I feel like life would be easier if I had a Mom/Wife switch. My husband is an understanding kind of guy, but has admitted to me that he gets jealous of the attention I give our son, our only child. Once he even said, “Okay, Woman, I got us a babysitter – so turn off ‘Mom’ and turn on ‘Sex Cat.'” I laughed, but I realized that I had no idea how to completely turn off “Mom.” I still don’t – but keep reading anyway, I’m amazed that I even sat down to type this, so now you’re stuck with me.
Sex is really hard to think about in the way that it used to be. It used to happen naturally before our son arrived. We used to have sex all the time in all kinds of crazy places. I’m not giving any details, though. This isn’t that kind of site.
One thing I will share however, is that sex after baby really isn’t the same as before – and our husbands know (and partially) understand that. What they want is a little UNDIVIDED attention now and then. They want love and attention that doesn’t feel like we have grocery lists or upcoming doctor’s appointments clouding the back of our minds. Who can have an orgasm while thinking about Walmart? I can’t! And my husband can always tell when I’m distracted. The hardest part is keeping the (young/sexual/hot young thang that doesn’t give a crap about anything else but having fun with my man) at the front (and back) of my mind while I’m “paying attention” to my husband. I literally have to WILL distracting thoughts away from my mind, just to give my husband a deep, sexy kiss. That was never hard before!
Some of you may be trying to remember the last time you gave your husband a deep, sexy kiss and then looked deep into his eyes and smiled at him. You should definitely try to do something about that. I’m sure he’s worth the effort and will appreciate it very much.
So, I’ve promised myself that my husband and I will both have an orgasm once a day. Yep, once a day. (We don’t always make that goal due to whatever reasons that come up, but my body can tell when I haven’t, so my fall-back number is once every other day, and that keeps us both happy.) Notice that I didn’t say that I just give my husband what HE wants once a day. I get what I want once a day. Orgasms make me a happier, less stressful and more well-rested person. My husband is happy to oblige, but most of the time he’s done before me, so I have to take care of things myself. Yep, I said that.
What most women are wondering at this point of my story is, “So, how do you turn off the MOM stuff so you can concentrate on the YOU stuff?” Or, “why do you think you need that many orgasms? I do fine with once a _____ (fill in the blank).” To the first question, I say that it’s easier to turn off the Mom Switch if the baby is not in earshot for a few precious minutes. It’s easier if you let go of what needs to be cleaned/picked up at the store/turned in before deadline for a few precious minutes. That’s the hard part. Believe me, Walmart has popped into my head and ruined things several times. Stupid Walmart. To answer the second question, I keep trying because my husband wants a wife, not just a roommate who does all her chores and happens to be his BabyMomma. This “physical need” goal helps me to feel like I can balance Wife with Mom.
Here’s what has helped me: white noise (like a loud box fan) to drown out distracting noises; deep breathing and holding my breath at intervals; raunchy romance books; soaking in the hot tub; not looking in the mirror when I put on something sexy for my husband (he doesn’t really care how I look in it, he’s said – it’s the look on my face when I’m making a move toward him); and sex toys of differing kinds.
If he’s “done” before me, I don’t leave the bedroom without having been “taken care of” because, well, that’s the point. I’m important too. Orgasms are a good thing. A very good thing. They remind me that I’m still a woman. I’m not the woman I was in college, but my life is still more than Mommy stuff. Orgasms help me sleep without thinking about stuff I haven’t done yet. Orgasms make me feel like a woman who hasn’t been overwhelmed by everything around her, even though that overwhelming feeling does take over sometimes. Orgasms help me feel like I’m a wife.
Most husbands are right there waiting for us to come to them. They don’t want to be roommates, either. Things never “get back to normal” once you’ve had a child, because that really does change things forever. Just remember that a good marriage is good for your mental health. Give yourself a minute to get psyched up for a good time with your husband. You will both appreciate the husband and wife time. Okay, I’m done pumping you up. I’m going to bed with a little champagne buzz and waking up my husband. I’m sure he won’t mind. 🙂