This intrigued me for many reasons, but most notably because I think most of us carry scars (whether visible or internal) and these issues are things that our own children may someday face. Things that we as parents certainly want to always protect our kids from, but in this world of ours, is not always possible.
For me, there is the deep wound of a date rape in college and subsequent behavior where I actively and passively tried to hurt myself because for many years I felt responsible for the assault.
My mental illness, (major depression, anxiety as well as postpartum depression) which is most likely inherited at least to some degree and could possibly be passed on to my children.
The wounds caused by the deaths of friends by suicide and attempted suicide.
Scars I and many of us developed watching places and people we love ravaged by terror attacks and natural disasters. 9/11 touched me in many ways, as did Hurricane Katrina (I went to college in New Orleans). And of course more recent events in Haiti and Japan.
Others of you may have experienced divorce, family or personal illnesses, molestation, deaths, discrimination, poverty, abuse, neglect, miscarriage, infertility, prematurity, crime, war, etc. So many things happening in our own little corner of society that we hope to protect our children from but probably won’t. Our struggles often define us, challenge us and help us grow.
And that’s ok. I’m not trying to be a total downer. As Dory says to Nemo’s dad Marlin in Finding Nemo, “If you never let anything happen to him, nothing would happen.” I think we also want the good for our children that goes with the bad. I believe we just need to give our kids the information and tools they’ll need to survive in our world, this world, not the “nothing bad ever happens” planet.
But it’s a tough thing to consider. When is the right time to bring up sex and sexual misconduct? When do kids need to learn some adults might hurt them and make them feel to blame? When do my kids need to know their mom has a mental illness? Or that it could one day affect them personally.
We don’t want to scare our kids with too much too soon. But what is too soon? Children are having sex in grade school. Might a talk with my daughter about my own date rape be useful in say 2nd grade? It sounds crazy, I know. But pre-teens are having kids these days.
As parents we must choose our own path toward information, and the education of our children when it comes to the difficult topics. No matter what level of information we share at what age, I believe honesty and openness is key.
I didn’t know until adulthood that my grandmother suffered from mental illness. Perhaps knowing as a child would have helped me accept or overcome my own anxiety. Who knows? And I’m certainly not blaming parents for not telling me. They probably had no idea my stomach aches every day in 2nd grade was anxiety.
I think we’re better equipped today to notice and understand such things, than our parents might have been. My mom didn’t have blogs like this to find support or learn from. I am personally hyper-aware due to my own experiences, but also because of the greater openness some of our society has adopted, at least in my own little corner of the world.
What a Great question and one I struggled with also.
I told my girls about my scars and sex as soon as they became school age. I was molested at 7 yrs old and became a self mutilator shortly after. If I had waited to tell them about me until they were older, it may have been to late.
I know some Doctors out there say don’t share everything, but I feel share what you feel is right and that they ,our children, can handle!
Funny you bring the sex part up. My Mom just recently heard about a girl who eloped at 11 with a 13 yr old boy, had her 1st child at 12 and now is a Grandma by her 10 yr old daughter. I know she’s from another country, but heck, I don’t want to be a Grandma at a young age and it seems our kids are all trying to grow up to fast! My Mother herself was a teen (16 yrs old) Wife and mother of 2 by 17. My Family allowed me to know why my Father wasn’t around also, due to him being violent with my Mother. I knew that since I was 4 or so, they had to tell us, he threatened my Family to kidnap us.
They say that we tend to follow in the footsteps, but I didn’t, my Brother did! The reason why… I think the females in my Family were more open with me at a younger age then they were with my brother!!
Stacey, thank you so much for sharing. I’m so sorry about your past but I’m sure your kids have benefited and are still benefiting from your honesty. May I ask what you shared specifically with your kids regarding sex and your molestation and scars when they hit school age? I know it’s controversial even to have sex ed in schools, but it’s my belief (to use a cliche) that knowledge is power (knowledge & openness.) My kids are still very young (3 & 1) so I know I’ll have to face this in the coming years. Our world can be a scary place. I want them to understand that, that not all adults are as safe as mommy & daddy, and i want to make sure they know they have support and unconditional love at home no matter what happens. Thank you again for having the courage to share.
Don’t be sorry, I know somehow this may sound odd to someone, but everything that happened made me who I am today! And I think I’m pretty darn fine!
On the sex part, I started the good old fashioned way of the “Man and Woman who love each other”. Told them about How babies are made. When they got older, We talked about giving into peer pressure, contraception and disease. I did go into to detail, but with kid terms. I called the body parts what they are “penis and vagina”. I never did like the fact myself everyone comes up with cutesy names for them! When the older 2 started their cycles and now the 8 yr old who is getting close, the conversations picked up and got more detailed. Not so much about my exploits, but what can happen and what I hope doesn’t happen! I do let them know what my expectations for them are! Now with having a little one again, I always ask, “Are you ready to deal with one of these(baby)?”
The molestation part, I told them what happened. That someone I trusted did bad things (consisting of touching places off limits). I told them what and that adults out there can be not so nice. If anything happens to them, to tell me asap. Don’t ever ever be afraid to speak up! Parts of mine actually happened in public places.. Anyone remember the Disneyland ride, Adventures through Inner Space.. I told my girls.. If something like that occurs to them.. SCREAM and don’t stop Screaming til help comes!
I told when I was 16 and it was to late legally (think the laws have changed now, not sure). Some of my Family was sympathetic others told me to “Get Over It”! I found out after I had my second child in 96 or so that this man had got to my Brother and at least 2 of my cousins. Which is why I also stressed to my daughters about speaking up. I felt so guilty.. That maybe if I would’ve, could’ve, should’ve told sooner, more could have been done to prevent my cousins from suffering the same fate! Although I know now, nothing was my fault, I didn’t want them to also suffer from that same guilt! I think the guilt, anger, sadness and betrayal pushed the mutilation part. My scars aren’t that visible.. some on my arms, most I learned to cut in the right spots so no one would know. (Which I won’t say in public, as to not wanting to give another any ideas.)
Sorry, if I sound all over the place.. trying to type and spend some time with the Hubby!
You know I get your don’t be sorry point, I feel the same way about my rape. I learned so much bc of it, it changed me in good ways too (in the long run). Not happy it happened but grateful for who I am today. Survivor gulit sucks, what a jerk for hurting you and others in your family too. I hope they’re as strong as you Stacey or at least will be someday. It’s so so sad that our innocent children need to know/hear these things about the world but I just don’t see any other way. Bad things happen!
I am getting ready for playgroup, so I don’t have much time to respond but I wanted to share this amazing resource with you: http://www.birdsandbeesandkids.com/
I am not sure that Amy Lang has anything specific on talking to kids about rape and/or molestation, but she would be the one person I would turn to for any questions such as that.
Hugs to both of you for having the courage to share such a tough topic.
Thanks so much Maegan! I’ll definitely check her out.
Very courageous article. I’m sure this article’s going to help a lot of people. It hadn’t even dawned on me that I ought to share some of those kind of experiences with my kids (they are still very young yet). Thanks for sharing. I’m following back via Networked Blogs
http://www.ohsosavvymom.com
Thank you Amy. I’m following you now too. I many parents probably don’t think about sharing such topics for fear of the kids repeating behavior etc. But as we know history has a tendency to repeat itself and I for one want my kids to have the knowledge and resources and support to protect themselves
Thanks for “Stalking Me!” Following you on Networked Blogs!
http://www.mrs-marine.com
http://novelbloggers.blogspot.com
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