OK, I lied. Sort of.
Or maybe I was just fooling myself when I wrote Update to: “I’m Not a Bad Mom because I Take Medication“. I thought the med change was going well. I felt like it was working. But it’s not. I feel like I’m on a roller coaster, and not the good kind.
I feel like a fraud. How can I have a blog about mental health when mine’s so out of whack? … Again.
I have another appointment with my doctor tomorrow. I just saw her a week and a half ago with the news that the previous couple of weeks had been bad. Panic attack, pull John from work bad.
She (my psychiatrist) keeps casually mentioning the possibility of a “mood disorder” which I keep ignoring for fear of the unknown. But John and others who really know me say “Yeah, I could see it.” Ugh. Oh so very ugh.
In case you don’t know, a mood disorder is something beyond PPD or depression or anxiety such as bipolar disorder. I’m no expert. But I might be having manic times that I thought were just anxiety. I really dont know for sure. But It’s possible, and it scares the crap out of me. Why it feels different to me, more serious, I don’t know. I would never judge others who are bipolar. It’s just a disease. It’s no one’s fault. And it’s treatable.
I guess I’ve had the last 12 or so years to get used to the idea of my depression. To adjust to my normal being on antidepressants. But mood stabilizers? Anti-psychotics? Is that what I need to feel well again.
Or could I find a fix with diet or lifestyle changes? … I wish. A recent exercise class threw me into an emotional tailspin.
I’m so sick of the work.
I’m so sick of the guilt.
Sick of pulling John away from his job (our family security) for what turns into a 2-hour lunch because I’m having a panic attack while driving my children. I’ve driven to John’s office a gazillion times, but today I got off at the wrong exit and realized my mind was racing and I couldn’t concentrate on the road. My vision was starting to blur.
I’m over it.
I just want someone to fix me.
Isn’t there some magical force that can wave a wand and make it all better? For me. For John. For my kids. For all of you who are struggling.
I posted on my Facebook Page this morning “No matter what you’re going through, you are not alone.” I mean it. It’s so true. I was talking to you. But I was also talking to me.
It does make me feel better knowing intellectually that I’m not alone. But I still sometimes feel alone in my head and my heart.
I want to feel better.