On Tuesday, Twitter was acting up *ahem* again so I wasn’t paying much attention to it, just kept popping in and out. A tweet caught my eye. “Want to write a guest post for my Thursday series “I’m not a bad mom because…”?? Let me know!!” Something in my heart told me that I had a story to tell…sooo here I am doing my first ever guest post for someone. Thanks to Cristi for giving me this opportunity. Please be kind. *hides*
I’m not a bad mom because I don’t drink (much anyway), or hit (other than the occasional swat when the girls were little, and none at all anymore) and I’m generally not an angry person. Actually, I tend to exemplify “Minnesota Nice” to a fault.
On the other hand, my mom drank, and hit, and was very angry at her lot in life. I often struggle with my role as a mother because of the example she set for me. Now as an adult and a mom, I understand that she was a very troubled woman that should never have had children. She had me at 16, went on to have three boys and eventually abandoned all of us. I’m honestly not sure she ever really wanted to have children.
Even though not all of my children were expected, I still want all of them to be with me with all of my heart. I can’t EVER imagine walking away from them.
I’m not a bad mom because when I struggled with postpartum depression and anxiety and felt like the anger was taking control of me I got help. I didn’t let the PPD take over my life. I struggled through and fought it until I felt better. I recognized my weakness and did everything I could to overcome. My mom never fought against her demons for long. Alcohol and drugs became everything to her and her kids suffered because of it.
I’m not a bad mom because I am doing everything I can to make sure my children don’t feel the way that I did when I was a child. I want them to be strong, stubborn, confident and to be as happy as possible.
My son is the biggest sassy pants right now and the tiniest part of me loves that about him. I was never sassy when I was young because I was too afraid. My babies are not afraid of me, even though I am firm and set boundaries to keep them physically and mentally safe. At the same time, I do all I can to allow them to learn life’s lessons.
I’m not a bad mom because my children smile when they see me. They love me with all of their little hearts. When my boy screams, “Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!!!” when I pick him up from daycare and my baby girl grins like a crazy person, those are the best parts of my day.
I’m not a bad mom because I attend therapy and take medications to help with my mood. I recognize that I have not exactly won the genetic lottery when it comes to mood disorders. Because of this, I am ever vigilant to the risks that I have of becoming dependent on things (like the Ativan that I occasionally take for anxiety). I rarely have more than a few drinks a year because I know I am genetically predisposed to dependency. I love my children enough to maintain this vigilance against substance abuse. I love them more than any drink or any drug. There are days where I struggle, more than I often admit…but my love for them outweighs any urge to use substances to avoid the pain or the stress of living life.
Some days I feel like a bad mom. We all do. You have that day when your kids have gotten on your last freaking nerve good Lord can’t I have some peace and quiet for one cotton-pickin’ MINUTE???!? (Sorry, flashback.)
Much love and thanks again to Cristi for this chance to ramble on in someone else’s little corner of the internets. Thanks for reading!