You know part of the problem about blogging about my own mental health is that one day (or a string of days) I can be feeling quite good. I can write a post about how things are working, how balanced I feel. Then in the blink of an eye that can change.
Could be lack of sleep, or fighting off a cold. Or too many carbs. Or trying to do too much. Or no exercise. Or nothing at all.
I had been feeling so good, for quite a while in fact. But the last week has been really weird.
I’ve had panic. I’ve had mind racing. I’ve felt claustrophobic with the kids. And right now I’m super depressed. Over the weekend I slept in both days AND took naps (thank you John) but it feels like its turned a corner into something I need to get checked.
I know the right things to do. The self care stuff that helps. I know many of the things to try to avoid. But I have so little motivation right now. I am trying to cut back on carbs (so far so good for 1 day) because I’m starting to believe they trigger my anxiety. And anxiety is hard for me to come back from.
Its gotten to where I’m not pleased to see the sun rise. It means another day of the same crappy feelings. I’ve been in this dreary place before but before this it’s been a good long while, and I had hoped not to be here any time soon.
I think I need an appointment with my psychiatrist. No. I don’t “think” I need an appointment, I do. I’m going to make an appointment. I just told John and now I’m telling you.
Some days I wish and dream that something could miraculously fix me. That I wouldn’t have to fight this stupid unending battle. It’s so damn lame.
But erg! It is what it is. I have an illness. I’m not ashamed. I just have to find my way…
Ok. I emailed my doctor.
I love that she’s available via email because when I’m feeling like this it’s actually much harder to pick up a phone than type a message. Don’t you agree? A big reason why I believe electronic or online mental health support is so important.
And boom! I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon. Ok, that made me feel a little better. Reaching out is seriously a good thing.
I’m feeling crappy, but I have hope for tomorrow. And that’s better than when I started writing.