Today I’d like to welcome Jessica, self described “mental health ninja” for the continuation of suicide prevention week. She found hope through her relationship with God. As she says, “God wanted me to live; and not just to live, live – but to LIVE.” I’m sure many of you can relate and know that your faith can truly help get you through the pain. Thank you Jessica for sharing your story.
Trigger Warning: Suicide Attempt
For the people being left behind? Yeah, you probably think its selfish; horrible – but for that person? It’s a last resort. A last resort, when the pain is too much to bear. When the arrows and the poison are being thrown at you; from your own brain; life can get too exhausting to live.
Ha. Man, I just. I don’t know what to say. It was a horrible situation. A horrible thing I did. I am still so ashamed, although I have attempted several times…this was the one I actually got close.
Ya know, most of my family still doesn’t even know?
Sweet Lord, I can’t even say it out loud.
Most of my family doesn’t even know….I tried to kill myself.
I lost all hope.
I couldn’t think, I felt so alone, I believed the lies. I knew, I KNEW I was hated and that everyone was better off without me.
I moved into a new home; both my kids got sick; my husband was working 2 ½ jobs – life was already exhausting to me. Add to that bipolar and anxiety? It’s a Molotov cocktail ready to burn with the intensity of a thousand suns.
It was my fourth attempt – but the one where I had the most determination to finish the deed. Then I saw them – two young brown headed boys; they made me think of my kids. IT brought me back to reality.
I got the help I needed for the time being – but I still felt the nothing; the emptiness calling out to me, calling me back to join it.
Then I saw a Christian comedian, who ended his set by saying the following: The glory of God is man alive. So live my friends. For God’s sake LIVE!!!!
I looked at screen and just fell into a ball of tears. Well, not a ball – ball as I am a human being, just a metaphorical one…but you get my drift.
As a born again Christian; it hit me. Hard. God wanted me to live; and not just to live, live – but to LIVE. So, I’ve listened. I’m an AFSP advocate and volunteer. I am a PPD activist – I am starting a postpartum support group in my town. As there is none currently.