When I was pregnant with Ronin, people often asked if I planned to breastfeed. I of course heard the old saying “breast is best” but didn’t take classes or do much research of any kind. I was so focused on the pregnancy itself, I just didn’t even go there. So my answer was always “I plan to try” and left it at that.
I’m here to tell you pregnant mamas, planning to “try” was like planning to fail. And I also had a few strikes against us at the beginning.
It all started in the hospital. My water had broken and we knew in advance there was meconium, which meant a possible ingestion complication at birth. Ronin was head down but face up, so an even greater risk existed that he would inhale meconium. The NICU docs were standing by, and of course he did inhale it. He needed to be seen by the NICU doctors and was whisked away from me almost immediately.
So he was briefly in the NICU to be monitored and did not immediately lay on my chest. In fact a of couple hours passed before we even attempted breastfeeding. Strike #1.
His latch wasn’t great so I called for a lactation consultant. At the time I knew nothing. A first time mom with no experience or information, this consultant comes in loud and forceful, grabbing him, grabbing me. Ronin was screaming. I was uncomfortable. I didn’t know much, but her style of lactation assistance just didn’t work for me or the baby. So I sent her away. Strike #2.
Then the blood sugar tests revealed his sugar was too low. They asked me to feed him formula in a bottle. Again, I didn’t know any better. I just did what they told me. Strike #3.
I soon discovered how easily Ronin took to the bottle, and how hard it was to get him to latch without screaming, or even at all. I kept trying to nurse in the hospital, but only halfheartedly as I also continued to feed him the bottles of formula. His blood sugar improved, all tests were good, and off we went out into the world, with no good latch or lactation help in sight.
At home I kept trying but fell into the usual trap of “oh my milk’s not in, the baby’s hungry, must feed formula.” I was filled to the brim with misinformation and my son was ever so quickly becoming attached to the bottle.
As my milk appeared several days later, I continued to try to get him to latch. He saw my breast and screamed. He wanted the bottle. Of course, its easy. So I decided to pump and bottle feed while also supplementing with formula (until I could get him to latch). All a big fat NO NO for successful breastfeeding, I just plowed forward pumping and pumping and pumping and bottle feeding. He was getting breadtmilk and I didn’t have the stress of him screaming at the breast.
But he NEVER went to the breast and I never stopped pumping. For 13 months I pumped like a maniac. I brought bottles and pump parts with me everywhere. I washed bottles, warmed breastmilk (or formula at the beginning until I got my pumped supply up), stored breastmilk in a mini fridge in my bedroom, and got up at all hours to pump.
By about 3 or 4 months postpartum only some serious work “might” get him back on the breast and I was too busy pumping, distracting, feeding, washing, and pumping all over again to have the time to focus on actual breastfeeding. I honestly DO NOT know how I did it. But somewhere along the way it became my mission to feed my child breastmilk. As I learned more about pumping, and the processes behind breastfeeding, and debunked the misinformation, I became more and more educated about breastfeeding’s benefits to both mom and baby.
I became active on iVillage’s Exclusively Pumping message board, and chatted with so many moms who were doing it too. Making this commitment for their baby. It was encouraging to read others stories and know I wasn’t alone. And have a place to ask questions of other moms who knew what I was going through. I became a “lactivist” in my own right “breastfeeding” my baby the only way I could with pump and bottle.
I was proud of what I was doing, but secretly devastated. I lost out on the chance to nurse my boy. I really started to wish I could have made it work. I felt guilty for saying I’d “try” and not trying harder. Friends nursing their children made me sad because I didn’t think I’d ever have the chance. (At that point we thought we’d only have one child.)
Part of me also secretly began wanting a second child to have a second chance at breastfeeding. I’ve never said that out loud before but it’s true. I wanted to nurse a baby.
In the end after so many months of struggle, I had to stop for my sanity. 13 months was more than I ever thought possible. I did want to continue, now understanding the benefits of extended nursing, but my brain and my body had had enough. I was glad he got mommy’s milk, if even in a non-conventional way. He received many of the benefits of breastmilk. And I also know that bottle feeding did not proclude me from bonding with or developing a very strong attachment with my child for me and my husband, who also got to play a greater role in feeding our boy.
It wasn’t the experience I expected but we made it work for us. If I had to do it all over, I would have educated myself much more beforehand. I would have found a more lactation-friendly hospital. I would have seen better lactation consultants as often and as much as it took. And I would NOT have allowed the hospital to give my baby formula in a bottle on day one. And guess what, I did all those things with Ellie, I’m happy to say. Part 2 of this story continues.
How has your feeding relationship been unexpected to you? Anything you’d do differently? Did you/do you have the mommy guilt I felt? What advice would you offer your pregnant friends about feeding?
Hi Cristi, thanks for sharing your story. Coming from families that breastfeed exclusively until solids were introduced, I completely expected I too would naturaly BF full time. That all changed when at 34wks my water broke, contractions started within 30min, and I ended up with an emergency c-section and a baby in the NICU less than 4hrs later.
I feel lucky that Valley Medical is very pro BFing. From the beginning lactation consultants were in my room teaching me to express into little cups and then progressing to larger containers and finally the fancy hospital pump for use the entire time we were in the NICU. After day one it has been breast milk full time, but certainly not delivered how I expected.
To start, as with your experience, my guy wasn’t with me until 3hrs after birth, and I had to be wheeled to see him. My milk was specially delivered by Daddy until I was discharged, or on the few visits each day I could visit the NICU and have my baby out of the incubator.
Ernie is now almost 6wks old and I do a combo of almost half BFing and half bottle with breastmilk. I love the freedom of time and sleep that pumping provides, as well as the security knowing there is milk in the freezer. I love that Daddy gets to bond over feeding. I have pangs of guilt though, when I know I could BF and I opt to pump instead so that I can take care of myself. It doesn’t help when family question why I am not full time BFing, telling me I was breastfeed and is so easy. It is not easy. It takes practice and deep breathing.
Thanks for providing a place to share. A few tips I have picked up:
1. Use a nipple shield to help with latch on one side if needed. We quickly grew out of this.
2. If going out for a while without baby, pump or feed right before you go.
3. Premies are tiny, it may be harder for them to latch for a while
4. Prime the nipple with your fingers for a larger nipple to latch
5. Massage the breast as you feed, it expresses more milk and reduces baby’s need to chomp.
6. Re-usable Bamboobies are my sore nipples friends.
I would love to here how moms handle full time BFing. How do you get breaks for yourself?
I know the challenges of being in the NICU certainly do not help in the breastfeeding stress department. I’m sorry it was so hard on you! I totally get that feeling of being ok with pumping thinking it will give you breaks and help you. You’re early on and when the baby needs to feed so very often, its so hard on mama no matter how she’s feeding. I think that’s also one of the reasons i may have kept pumping and not tried harder to get him back on the breast. I know with a TON of work it might have been possible but I was worried about that stress on me and my mood. In the end though I think exclusively pumping was a HUGE stress on me and while I felt guilty stopping after 13 months, I also felt a giant sense of relief. I haven’t written my post yet about my nursing relationship with my 2nd child Ellie, but I was able to make it work and full time breastfeed her and still am (she just turned 1 last week). I can tell you from a mom who’s done it both ways, the beginning of breastfeeding directly is SO hard. There were times I wanted to stop b/c it was a challenge with her too. But I knew I just couldn’t pump again so I pushed through with the help of lactation consultants. Once I got over the initial few weeks and things were going more smoothly, it got better and as they get older, they nurse less often and mama does get breaks (if not from feeding but in time between feedings). Breastfeeding directly has been truly been so much easier for me. Of course that’s just for me. And with your challenges of him being a preemie and in the NICU, it might be different for you. But just know, that full time nursing is possible and can be a very beautiful and enjoyable experience if you are able to get there. BUT providing Ernie with mama’s milk, no matter how you do it, is such an amazing accomplishment so FEEL PROUD of what you’ve done and continue to do. xoxo
Yes, it is okay but your baby will tell you. I had elaborate plans for shictwing from bottle to breast with two of my babies, and one of them was allergic to formula, and the other refused to take formula. I ended up pumping milk and freezing it for both. You can always get yourself to the point of nursing your baby upon waking in the morning and before he or she is put down for the night. I was lucky enough to be able to pump out milk with my hands, and I never had to use a pump. You need to begin nursing exclusively, and after a time (depending on how much leave you have) begin to switch to a bottle. They usually have lactation specialists in all hospitals, and you can always call La Leche League for help.
You need to give yourself more credit!!! Even though the breast to mouth didn’t work…pumping is VERY hard and demaning and you didn’t give up! that’s amazing:)
i commend any woman who even atttepms to bf for a day. i had a lactation consultant make me feel guilty as we were never able to latch without a shield and she basically told me i am lucky to be living now because 100 years ago without pumps and shields my baby would be dead. needless to say i didn’t use her services anymore. i pumped for 14 weeks before my second battle with mastisis which landed me in the hospital at which point i decided to wean from the machine. congrats to you for making it as long as you did.