Last week John and I took part in a webinar by Amy McCready of Positive Parenting Solutions hosted by 5 Minutes for Mom. When I heard the title “How to get your kids to listen without yelling or reminding” I immediately emailed the details to John and said “I think we should do this.”
We’ve got a 3-1/2-year-old and 16-month-old, and its not always easy to get them to listen without some cajoling. On top of that, my son’s behavior when not listening can often be a trigger for my anxiety and depression. It’s a vicious cycle:
He acts out, I get anxious and mad.
I get mad and I yell.
I yell and get even more anxious.
I feel guilty for yelling and get depressed that he’s not listening.
And yes, I know, I’m the parent. I’m in charge. But he’s 3 and in his little growing and exploring mind, he’s looking for some form of power and control over his own life. It’s a natural instinct. But that instinct can lead to lots of power struggles in my house. I bet in many of your homes too, eh?
To give you some background, I’m in the positive discipline camp (in theory). I’d like to teach my kids respect by being respectful of them as little people with feelings and emotions just like mine. We don’t spank. It doesn’t make sense to me to hit my son to teach him not to hit his sister, for example. I’d really rather not use scare tactics or threats, but sometimes it feels like threats of Time Out are the only way to get us anywhere. And I REALLY hate that.
So the webinar. It was really interesting. I think the theories are very sound and if I could just get better at putting them into practice I think it could help. It wasn’t a quick fix kind of thing though.
Sorry mamas, I was hoping too.
First off, Amy McCready talked about why kids actually misbehave. According to her, a child’s primary emotional goal is to achieve “belonging” and “significance.” And to me, this makes a lot of sense.
Belonging: Kids want to feel emotionally connected and have sufficient POSITIVE attention. Without positive attention, they whine, cling, act helpless, etc. to get what they want (the positive attention) and it works for them. They WILL get your attention, right?
Significance: Kids also naturally want to feel secure in their place in the family. They want to feel as though they are capable, that they contribute, that they make a difference in meaningful age-appropriate ways. This gives them a sense of positive personal power. If they feel powerless, the power struggles begin at bedtime, mealtime, bath & potty time, and just extend from there.
Which leads me to Discipline. According to Amy, discipline with “consequences” and NOT “punishment” is the way to go. Let go of the “blame, shame & pain” as she put it when disciplining kids, because punishment is not effective in the long run. It just turns the anger on the parent and encourages lying. With me so far?
So … Here my friends are Positive Parenting Solutions 5 R’s of Fair & Effective Consequences:
1. Respectful: Always respond with a calm respectful voice. Its OK to wait until you calm down.
2. Related: Consequences should be directly related to the misbehavior.
3. Reasonable in Duration: For example, 1 day for a 4-year-old, 1 week for a 14-year-old
4. Revealed in Advance: The rule/consequence must be laid out in advance so the child has the power to make a “choice.”
5. Repeat it Back to You: Your child should repeat the rule back to you, so you’re making a “verbal agreement.”
With the 5 R’s there are no second chances. You’ve calmly given them the rule and what the reasonable consequence will be. It is directly related to the misbehavior. Your kids are aware of it in advance. And they have repeated it back to you so they KNOW what you expect of them. They have the POWER to choose for themselves. If THEY make a poor choice, its important to follow through with dignity and not say “I told you so.” Just calmly move forward with the predetermined consequence.
Ok, so it all sounds good in theory and make intellectual sense, right? But can a 3 or 4-year-old or even 14-year-old really GET IT?
Here’s an example from my house. Ronin starts flinging his toys around like mad, making a giant mess. What’s my instinct? To instantly yell and tell him to stop making a mess! But what should my first instinct really be? To think about WHY he’s doing it.
Mostly likely I’ve just gotten a phone call or am nursing Ellie or checking my email, and he’s feeling left out or not getting the positive attention he craves. I guarantee you, if I stopped what I was doing (if I can) and ask him if he wants to do a puzzle, he’d immediately stop making a mess and play with me and Ellie.
But that’s not always possible. Sometimes I need to make that phone call. So, I say: “Ronin, I need to you stop throwing your toys and clean them up.” This of course would be followed by a series of whys, and nos, etc. So I calmly say: “If you don’t pick them up by the time I get off the phone, I’m putting them in a box and they are going in Toy Time Out for 1 day.” (In other words, he loses those toys for a day.) Then I ask him to repeat what I just told him, and once he does, we’ve made the agreement. If he understands enough to repeat it, I’m pretty certain he “gets it.” When I get off the phone, if the toys aren’t picked up. I put them in a box and off to Toy Time Out they go. No questions. No I told you so’s. I just remind him that he chose not to pick up his toys so they’re going in Time Out as agreed.
I’ve been *trying* to discipline in this manner all week, and let me tell you its not easy to remember or have the patience to do it. Its especially difficult to come up with a consequence that is directly related to the misbehavior. And very difficult to have a calm respectful voice when he pushes Ellie down for example. The tips are definitely not a quick fix as I said, but I think they’ve gotten both John and me thinking of how to better get Ronin’s cooperation for the long term. We’ll see how it goes.
OK, so what do YOU think? Did you learn anything? Think these tips might be helpful to your family?
Sounds pretty good. I do struggle with thinking on my feet, ALL THE TIME. And lately it has been getting very difficult to stay calm and level headed when one pinches the other one constantly and for no apparent reason. I really wish parenting was easier. That would be so awesome.
I totally agree Lily. The thinking on the feet AND being level headed is SO hard. Ugh.
I’m with you the whole way. This all sounds so logical but its a hard change. I’m sure it is worth the effort though and I plan to share this with my husband to get his buy-in. We’ve really tried versions of this but I struggle with finding related consequences at times. For instance, when my 3yo pesters our 16yo indoor cat, what’s the consequence? I would love any thoughts on this. My guess is that whatever suggestions people have could be applied to sibling issues too like your example of R pushing E down. Thanks for sharing.
Julie, I can totally relate to the “pestering the cat” scenario. When my two youngest aren’t respecting our dog they have to serve him for a period of time: feed and water him, & take over “poop duty” in the yard. I hope it somehow helps them experience the concept of respect for themselves. They really don’t like poop duty, lol.
It sounds doable to me. It needs some time and a lot of patience, but it might be the way to go. We all struggle in different ways with our kids and this is worth a try. It is kinda difficult to come up with a consequence though, hmm, gotta think of that before starting! 🙂 – But we can share our ideas and thoughts on certain things. I like the idea of Toy Time Out! Will start that one for sure! Thanks Cristi! This is great and helpful! Gives you a new way to think of things.
I loved this, My husband and I have been going through the “Love & Respect” book for marriages and I have really had it laid on my heart about how respect also applies to parenting… specifically young boys. Men (and boys) are wired with this deep need to feel respected… yelling blows that. When I am able to stay calm and talk with tones that show respect they respond better. That’s not to say that they run the show- not at all! I am the mom, and the respect needs to be molded and taught through my own actions. How I treat them and my husband! Thanks so much for posting this… Always a good reminder 🙂 We all mess up, but with the right motives and even sucking up the pride and apologizing (to our kids!) when we blow it really goes a long way! It says a lot about your parenting that you care enough to even go through a class like that- you are a blessing to your kids and the world needs more parents who care!
I struggle with this a lot since my PPD made my reactions to situations that much more fierce. Now it’s bipolar and I’m having such a hard time. So thank you for this. I definitely needed it today
Oh boy, Cristi! First, I’m happy to know I’m not the only anxious, depressed and somewhat neurotic mom out there, so thank you for sharing about yourself. Second, I’m relieved to know that I’m not the only one who’s succumed to yelling, alas to no avail. I have a 2.5yo and a 4.5yo (exactly 2yrs apart). They seem to do well separate from each other, but within 5 minutes of being together, there’s all-out war! I can’t believe it’s happening half the time, and the other half I just want to run away from both of them. It’s SO exhausting. And I KNOW that all they each really need and want is my positive attention, but one gets jealous when I’m with the other hits/throws/screams to get my attention, then we’re all back to the craziness. I’m really going to work on the 5R’s this week if it KILLS me! I’ll let you know how it goes. Good luck to you too!
Oh my goodness. Just reading the line ‘On top of that, my son’s behavior when not listening can often be a trigger for my anxiety and depression..
Resonated with me,
I’ve been struggling with many changes lately and that contributed but when he acts out that’s a trigger also.
I like the toy time out. We’re too quick to say he will lose them altogether. We used to do the naughty box for toys and he had to earn them back, think it will come back.
We also have the thnking chair now he’s older (5 nearly 6) and it gives him time to reflect although when it comes to sorry’s he usually doesn’t know why he’s sorry!!!
It’s definitely a big trigger. I hope you find things that work for you guys!
I definitely need to get control over the repetition. I feel like I’m nagging or threatening. Eww!
For hitting or pushing try putting snug tall socks on his hands and arms. It makes doing stuff more challenging but helps to build an awareness of controlling his actions. It’s a natural consequence, if you can’t have safe hands I’ll give you something to help you learn to be safe.
For the pet pestering have the child lint roll the kitty bed or other hairy spots. Or wash the food and water bowls, something that would redirect to a kind treatment of the cat and keep the child busy. Litter box cleaning is extra awesome if they are old enough.
I have heard a lot about these types of techniques and we try practice them a lot. We don’t spank either for the same reasons and our 4 year old is starting to say “no!” fiercely and its triggering all kinds of impatience and heart break in us. We have 2 younger girls and one babe on the way and are just worn out with the cycles of anger and guilt involved. What happens when there isn’t a verbal agreement? Or when the fight is because he doesn’t want to transition but he has had all the warnings? Threats do just feel bossy, mean, and never directly related and they rarely help me get out of a door with less of a scene. My husband and I are both starting to feel so discouraged and disappointed in our abilities to walk through these conflicts and power struggles without grace and confidence.
I have 2 pieces of advice that goes along with much of what you said. I find that telling and showing my children why they can’t do something, like hitting, goes a long way. For my 1 1/2 year old I simply say that’s ouchies! For my 3 year old, don’t leave your toys on the floor because they can break or hurt some one when they step on it. You’ll be amazed at what they can understand. And it’s wonderful when my 3 year old says “I gotta close the door, Mira (the cat) will get out.”
And for somethings I had to be a bit more mean. Like teaching them not to touch the stove: I took their finger and touched it very briefly to a hot pan and very wide eyed said HOT! At the age of one both of my children would back a way immediately when I said hot! It only took one time to learn the word hot. I also tell my what to do not what not to do. Kids don’t hear the word don’t. So give them an action to do. Simple ones “leave it a lone” and “stop”. Instead of don’t hit say “gentle touches” and take their hand and show them what you want of them. If the kid doesn’t understand the command you need to say and demorate it often until they learn that phrase or word. (That last bit is for children who are still learning to speak so from week one to about 3 or 4). And yes discipline starts that young. My children are examples at 6 months my children could pet the at unsupervised. I hope that this can help you further when not having to yell. I found that practicing telling why and giving them instructions has helped me a lot.