I’ve been quiet about this pregnancy. It’s unusual for me to have so little to say about anything in particular. And I’ll be the first to admit, it’s taken me a long time to come to terms with having a third baby so quickly, with being pregnant again at a time I wasn’t really planning to be, and just with being pregnant again, period.
I know that for SO many, getting pregnant is a challenge, and as such, I’ve been hesitant to put this out there. But for those of us for whom getting, staying or being pregnant isn’t the challenge, I’m here to talk about not being super excited to be pregnant at all. I know I’m not the first woman out there to feel this way, but it’s considered odd to be married, stable, and with two adorable kids already and to feel this way. Every baby is a blessing, right? Right?
I have felt, for about 20 weeks, that I’ve had to “get it up” for this baby. You know, fake it. When people are “so excited” for me, I have to put on the smiley face and be “so excited” too. Because when I’m not, I’m met with curiosity, concern, and the assumption that something’s wrong with me. Nope, nothing’s wrong, I just really, really didn’t have being pregnant in my 2011 plans.
I’ve wondered for ages when I’d come around to enjoying this pregnancy. I thought it might happen during the 2nd trimester, after I got some energy back. And to some extent, it did. I thought feeling it move would help, even though this baby is so gentle, I have to be completely stopped and still to feel. To some extent, that helped, too. I thought that maybe if I was able to keep running, I’d feel 
I assumed, when we found out we were pregnant, that we would have another mystery baby like Finleigh. It was fun not knowing what she was (though I knew from the moment that stick turned pink!) and even more fun to give birth with that ultimate mystery. All we really wanted was a healthy baby, right? Same thing this time, right?
But as I found myself struggling to bond to this baby, while zipping here and dashing there and chasing Finleigh down from the dining room table and fending off Ryan’s daily monologue, I couldn’t. I had nothing for this kid. Until it dawned on me that I HAD to know what it was. HAD to. Michael didn’t want to know. His theory is that it’s so much easier to accept what you don’t want if the baby is right there in front of you. As much as all he wanted was a healthy baby, he really wanted a son. Yeah, it’s cliche, and he’s not really a cliche kind of guy, but he wanted a boy. I wanted a healthy baby; really and truly I didn’t care what it was, I just needed to know.
So we found out. And Michael was crestfallen. And in the last few days, since we’ve known, I’ve actually been able to imagine life with three little girls. Been able to think of pulling all those sweet newborn outfits from the bins. Thinking of what colors to paint the room and Finleigh and baby sister will share, and how I can just dye the crib sheets to match the new decor rather than buying new.
I would have done the same if it had been a boy. For whatever reason, this time around, this was really, really important to my ability to come to terms with this pregnancy, with this baby, with having two kids SO close together (19 months), with not being able to keep running the way I wanted to and planned to.
This nesting is my way of finding a way to connect to this little girl that I wasn’t sure I wanted. But who I love, very, very much. I’m still a ways off from being completely excited about her, but I’ve come quite a ways in a few days…no doubt by October, we’ll all be ready for her to join our family. I’m sure she’ll be the best surprise we never asked for.
Wow… thank you for your raw honesty. I’m happy you’re finding ways to try and bond with the baby before she arrives this fall. 🙂 I struggled to get (and stay) pregnant, and we’re having our first in September. Needless to say, I can’t relate at all to how this feels, but for what it’s worth I think it’s wonderful that you can be so honest and open. I imagine there are a lot of mothers out there who feel the exact same way but don’t want to admit it to the world. Kudos to you for being brave!
Thank you…it’s tough to put stuff like this out there, but if those of us brave enough to do it, don’t, no one will hear that it’s OK to feel in such ways. And congratulations to you, Clutterholic! Enjoy your sweet baby. There’s nothing quite like your first.
Thanks for sharing your story and your honestly true thoughts! I wish you a very healthy and happy rest of your pregnancy, and the safe arrival of baby girl #3. What I would give to be able to have more that one baby girl:) SO fun!!!!
Katy, you’re the best! I love your honesty and thoughtfulness. Motherhood is just like all things in life – a mixed bag. It is so important for feelings and experiences like yours to be shared. Thank you. Your girls are lucky to have such a great mom.
Total, raw honesty. That’s what makes you brilliant, @katyafruma. Love.
I’m fortunate to have such a mature and insightful daughter. Having three ‘Grand Girls’ is the delight of my life… Just as their mother is…..
Oh Katy! I can so relate to this! Annabelle is the sweetest blessing, but I didn’t want another baby, and I wanted Ruby to get to be the baby, and I thought we couldn’t afford another one, and so many negative thoughts went through my head while pregnant with Annabelle. But now that we’re here I’m surprised by how easy it is and I absolutely LOVE having 3 girls (and so does Jason). And my new theme song is Three Little Birds…cause every little thing is gonna be alright. Love my 3 little birds. ((HUGS))