Ok friends, today’s “I’m Not a Bad Mom Because…” is quite a bit different from the typical. This is Tracy and she is a beautiful person inside and out. And she’s having a mama crisis right now. I know something about which she speaks, so I wanted to share her words with you here. I’m sure a lot of moms and dads out there have felt this way before. My opinion is that this DOES NOT make one a bad parent. Please share your love and thoughts with Tracy. Today she needs us to tell her She’s Not a Bad Mom. Thank you.
I sat across from her, a therapist I’d met in my teens.
She knows me, and well. She hasn’t just talked with me over the years. She watched firsthand the dynamics between me and my father during failed family counseling.
It was this woman who helped me decide to move away from home when I took a year off from college, even though my dad took this as a further sign of revolt and disrespect. She wrote letters citing “irreconcilable differences” to the university as I tried to gain financial aid.
She was a lifeline when my father and I stopped speaking all together.
She helped me make the first steps I’d ever taken to preserve myself over the feelings of others.
And here I was, in her office again, needing a gut check on my universe and how I function in it.
“We may need to talk about you getting a job, even if your entire salary goes to the kids’ daycare.”
She looked down before continuing, “Motherhood is not a natural role for you.”
It wasn’t meant as an insult, nor was it even something shocking for me to hear. I was there telling her that I was struggling as a mother and a person. That I needed helping building tools to provide a better, calmer environment for my kids.
And yet, for someone I know and respect to look me to say the words aloud. My kids may be better off with me at work. I don’t have the skill set other mothers have.
The floor opened up and swallowed me. I couldn’t speak, only sob.
My heart breaks at the thought of stepping away from them each day, not out of financial necessity but because I am failing them as a parent. Worse yet, there is the lingering question that even if I bury myself in work eight hours each day, will that make me a better mother at night? Will that truly “fix” the problem – which is me?