I stayed up past 3am drawing something…
I was so inspired and moved to be creating it that I just couldn’t stop. I know some of you (but definitely not all of you) know I’ve been struggling in a manic phase. I saw my doctor just under 2 weeks ago and she completely revised my med doses because it was just getting out of hand.
The not sleeping, the racing thoughts, the random bursts of energy, the physical shaking, coupled with some pretty intense daily anxiety.
Sometimes mania serves me well and it briefly did as I joined the AFSP Board of Directors and was thrown into the fire so to speak. It’s a LOT of work. Yes it’s a volunteer job, and yes I suppose the workload is what we make it. But there’s a LOT of passion up in there (yours truly included) so we all have a drive to push forward.
So…I pretty much ignored my need for the doctor for a while. It’s not uncommon, eh? Just hope the balance returns if I just put one foot in front of the other. I say to myself, “I’ve been managing my illnesses for a long damn time, I can just hang on and it’ll get better.” But it doesn’t just get better. We need to reach out, and that takes strength. We have to be our own life saver sometimes.
The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention uses a life preserver as their logo, a “life saver.” Pretty poignant, right?
I actually own and LOVE this “life saver” bangle bracelet by EKDesigns (and blogged about it here, because 30% of the purchase of this or other EKDesigns life saver jewelry goes to the AFSP.) So I was very certain I wanted my cause-related art to be the life saver with my own little writer’s twist.
I drew it, like I said, into the wee hours of the night and finished my masterpiece joyfully. And then I was sort of afraid to show it around. John of course saw it the next day, and then I actually shared it with two of my fellow board members. It was like sharing a part of my soul, and they probably didn’t even know it.
I have actually realized lately that I do carry an intense fear that this passion of mine is turning people off. It’s a paranoia, and I know I said it was one I’d deal with at another time, but I guess the time is now.
I don’t want to talk and write about mental illness and suicide so much that people start to tune me out. I know perfectly well most people have no desire to talk or think about it. I know it’s not a pleasant topic. I know the words “suicide” and “mental illness” make people uncomfortable.
But damn it, if we don’t talk about it, if we aren’t “suicide aware” we will not save lives, like we absolutely can. So I wish that “suicide” wasn’t a dirty word. I wish people didn’t feel so full of shame when a suicidal thought pops into their head. I wish instead they would realize that it’s something that happens to a lot of people, quite often frankly, and at the core, those thoughts are a sign from the universe that it is time to reach out. They are a very real sign that THIS is the moment to stay strong, hold on and be the warrior I know they can be; and literally fight for their life.
So I drew this , and wanted you to see it, this piece of my heart in art.
Oh Cristi, don’t stop talking. I have been wearing my shirt for three days (I checked, it doesn’t smell). I sometimes get scared I am bringing a cycle up or down on myself by talking about it, but you know what, I cycle even when I keep my mouth shut. And it is you, and others willing to open their mouth, that help me through the cycles, help me get back to “normal”. I love your new art. I think I see another shirt…
I have been thinking non-stop since I drew it Thursday about what to do with it. I was thinking stickers or magnets or mugs or something. thank you for your words charity. I know in my head that its so important to keep doing this but sometimes our hearts get paranoid as I know you know. I’m glad to hear you want me to press on. xo
Love this, Cristi! It’s phenomenal! You definitely have a gift for both writing and drawing. I can’t wait to see what you do with this image. You’re amazing!
Thank you so much Bobbi! 🙂 I really appreciate the love:)
I love your new artwork!! I bought one of your shirts! I have yet to see it as I am in Mexico at the “freedom center” getting myself together….but I have a practical question…I have these different drawings up in my head but I’m trying to figure out how to best draw/water color paint digitally and I am a newbie at much of this stuff! Soooo….any suggestions on products, apps, pressure sensitive tablet etc.??
I live in WA and I just might get a chance to hook up with ya at the Out of the Darkness Overnight!
Thank you Julie! Funny thing. I’m doing these the old fashioned way, with art markers on art paper and then scanning them. So old school, I know! So I really have no advice. But my husband makes video games and I know there artists obviously do use digital drawing tools, so I can ask him! Haha
Hi Cristi,
You are giving a voice to something people find scary. This is important stuff. There are two books which I think you would love when you question things. “Daring Greatly” and “The Gifts of Imperfection” both by Brene Brown. You can probably Google her interview with Oprah to get a sense of her message. If you want a 10 minute version check out her TED talk.
Hang in there. Vulnerability lets us know we are pushing some boundaries. You are signaling to others that they may talk about this subject, be imperfect and push some boundaries as well.
Thank you. Yes I actually started reading Daring Greatly!
Great! Now you will understand what I mean when I say that your work and blog is about “being in the arena.” You go girl. This is what you are meant to do. We are behind you….but you are a little braver than the rest of us. It takes a few souls to ‘Dare Greatly’ and say “This is what we need to talk about and I am brave enough to start to make that OK in the world.”
Amen Sister. We need you. STAY in the arena. 🙂
xo Mary
Hi Cristi!
Thank you for creating these amazing drawings. I absolutely adore them. You are incredibly talented. Thank you for inspiring hope and celebrating our (all mental health warriors) strength and courage. You are a gift to this world!
Here’s to your strength, courage, bravery, determination and talent!
Big hugs,
Kelly
Thank you Kelly! So sweet of you to say. 🙂
I love the life preserver artwork!!! You should put that on a shirt!! You were always artsy fartsy. So glad you’re using that talent creatively and for good. So proud of you…..XOXO
Artsy fartsy!?! Haha thanks Nicole. Love you. I’m thinking about what to do with it. Maybe magnets, mugs, could be a T…a few people suggested a tattoo! 😉