A couple of weeks ago I started lithium. I’ve never taken it before and I have to admit I was terrified to take that first pill. I actually avoided it for a few days after I got the prescription. I’ve been on mood stabilizers and anti-psychotics for a few years now, but lithium just scares me…still. Listening to my doctor tell me about the risk of dehydration, that I can’t take NSAIDs (did I mention I get headaches?), and that I now need to get regular blood work just seems overwhelming. Plus starting a new drug means weaning from an old one, and I so hate that. Like want to pull out my hair and scream, hate it.
Weaning is evil.
My emotions are sitting right at the surface.
My sleep has been unstable.
My patience is non-existent.
My confidence level is shot.
And my typical “I’m open about my mental illness” self is not so fearless anymore. I’m afraid of stigma for one of the first times in a long time. I realize that as I’ve progressed from stay at home mom to a work at home mom, my “I need to be professional” radar is up. Just writing this post is making me anxious and emotional.
The other day, we had our board meeting for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. There I was in a room with others passionate about suicide prevention; who have all lost loved ones to suicide; who do what they can every day for this cause so closely related to mental illness…and I was afraid to tell them about my med change for fear they’d think me unprofessional. I know that in this case it was completely self-imposed. These are people not ignorant to mental illness.
But I still felt the pressure.
And it shocked me.
I don’t want to be “that girl” who the team needs to walk on egg shells around. I am not that person, but I’m afraid they may think I am.
Now imagine how I feel when I’m working with a team that is not mental health related. Its happening more and more as I try to contribute financially to my family. The fear is so overpowering that some days I want to give up the mental health stuff…stop writing about it, stop volunteering, stop fundraising and focus my time on me, my husband, my kids and the financial stability of our family.
Maybe all of these fears are coming to the surface because of my medication change. Maybe my illness is lying to me. But I can’t help but listen.
Regardless of whether the illness is mental or physical it’s still something that is NOT easy to go through. Especially when you’re taking regular medications and you have to wean yourself off an old one to introduce a new one to your system. And yes, it’s scary just like going to a new doctor or trying a new therapy is scary! Plus added to all that are your own thoughts, both good and bad. I’m a very positive, outgoing, and glass-half-full kinda gal but I definitely have my days when my attitude goes south and I can’t help but listen to the insecurities, fears, and what-ifs going on in my head. You keep hanging in there and know that you have people that care about you and that you can talk to if you need it!
Hi Cristi! Good luck to you throughout all of this healing journey you are on….take care, Kathy
BIG HUGS, Cristi. You know I know first hand what are going through. Being without meds or changing meds just absolutely sucks when you are going through the transitions. You are such a strong woman, I am here if you need to chat.
Just writing this post alone shows your bravery. Medication changes are hard, but you are a warrior. I know what you mean about wanting to give up, but don’t. You’ve already helped so many people and you will continue to help them through your courage and outspoken nature.
Don’t give up on all your hard work…just keep going forward! You’ll come out the other side (eventually) because you’re good at putting one foot in front of the other. Funny thing I heard the other day: If you’re going through hell you better keep going or else you’re stuck there. Hum, I thought, that is really true.
XO
I love your blog as it has helped me better understand the depression my mom has been fighting all her life with it becoming really bad the last 3 years;( I had a question for you. My moms new doctor has suggested lithiam to her but said she’d have to be off any meds for a month to make the switch. Is that what you are doing?
I’m not a doctor and have no medical training but that has never been the advice of my psychiatrist, who I have seen for years and love. I have always weaned down on one medication while building up on another at my doctor’s advice. If she were my mom, I’d worry about how the need to be off of all meds first would affect her.