It happens a lot as a mom with anxiety. My kids are faced with situations that I find overwhelming and I project my own anxiety onto them. Or do I?
Ronin has had some struggles with anxiety in his early years. At seven, he’s so much more confident than he used to be and has flourished in school and activities the past few years. But as a youngin’ the anxiety was quite pronounced, especially before we discovered his gluten intolerance.
He’s had sensory issues, mostly with sound, but also visually and physically. Things can overwhelm him.
Because of my own anxiety, I often identify with his struggles and I truly don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing.
It’s made me overly protective mama bear.
I want to save him from the struggles that I’ve so often experienced myself.
I want to wipe them away, and make him confident and bold.
I desperately want him to escape the paralyzing fear I know all too well.
It doesn’t occur as often any more, but last week two new situations overwhelmed him. First at a make-up Hip Hop class where the kids and teacher were new to him, and then at his first ever baseball game this Saturday.
When he started baseball three weeks ago, shockingly (at least to me) he was the only kid on his team who had never played. And he’s only seven! At our first team meeting, his coach asked the kids to introduce themselves and say what team they were on last year. He panicked and ran to me crying and it broke my heart. First, because I remember that fear of having to speak in front of a crowd as a child (and even now my face gets hot at the prospect.) And second, because I don’t want him to be made fun of for crying.
But on the first day of practice, I nervously watched him enjoying himself. The coaches were kind to him, very helpful and encouraging. He ran over and told me “I thought that was going to be scary, but it was fun!” and my heart melted. My greatest wish for him is to escape my anxieties and just have a great time in life.
But this Saturday, as his first game was about to start, I had camera in hand near the dugout and witnessed his confusion. The other kids were getting out helmets and bats and he wasn’t sure what to do. The coach was calling out names and Ronin thought that he heard his own. He tried asking the coach, but the man didn’t hear him. Ronin asked a few more times, then backed away and stood looking around with tears in his eyes. He spotted me standing nearby and burst into tears. “I don’t want to do this! I want to leave!” he said.
I tried to calm him as the other kids started looking and asking questions. I said “You can do this. It’s OK to be scared. You were scared before your first Hip Hop class. Just get your helmet and bat and listen to the coaches. It’s OK. You’re OK.”
Ronin sat on the bench and started to calm down and I ran straight to John.
“He’s crying! Go help him!”
My anxiety was raging. Perhaps I projected my own panic onto him. Maybe he looked at me, with his fear projected in my own eyes and that’s what made him lose it. Maybe it was my fault.
In the moment, I know I said good things. I’m pretty sure it helped. John watched over him until Ronin was sure of his footing, and he had a great time playing in that game. He had so much fun. And now, with his first game under his belt, he probably won’t be scared anymore.
But I now have tears thinking about the moments of struggle he has ahead of him. The stress he will face. The possible panic, for both him and me.
Watching him will test my own anxiety, but I MUST NOT project mine onto him.
Do you project your own fears onto your kids?

It is very hard to separate out parent anxiety from kid anxiety, especially if the parent and child are a lot alike. Then add to that the whole parent protective instinct thing and it can be a recipe for major overload for both parent and kid! I found I had to remind my kids of bad/scary times and how it all turned out great. And I needed my husband to do it for me, but not in front of the kids. I felt they needed me to be calm and okay when they were not. Easy to say but hard to do. Still we got through it all.
My son (now 24) still gets weepy when upset, but he is a sensitive soul and that is just who he is. Yes he was teased for it, but he was teased for a lot of things. Not easy to watch as he grew up, but he is now an amazing young man and this is part of the package. Hang in there, hot are not alone!
Oh Heidi, thank you for commenting. I think you’re so right about the need to be calm in front of them. I’m glad your son is flourishing. I hate hearing he was picked on but I know that’s reality. It’s just hard to see. Take care!
Thank you Cristi for sharing something that a lot of Moms go through and being so honest and transparent about it. Thank you!
Thanks so much Alexis!
We definitely have to stay calm in front of our kids. It can be hard at times. I think a lot of moms go through this from time to time. Thanks for sharing your personal story.